As if anything besides whole grain Dijon mustard with champagne vinegar or a port wine reduction is an acceptable condiment for a sandwich.

But that gum I like is back in style. Get the damn fish out of the percolator and get back to work Mr. Lynch.

Okay, stop the Crazy Train. I want out.

Will you validate my parking. I really don’t want to pay for this.

This should go without saying, but do not put in an official request with a massive paper trail for your corruption. You need to keep that shit on the down low. This is the kind of thing a Senate Committee uncovers years later in the inevitable ethics hearings.

Wow. Get together with a fringe group of people and spend money on an old book you already own to hypothetically push down a popular new release on an Amazon Best Seller List. Golly gee whiz Beaver, that sure taught this liberal a lesson.

Why limit yourself to just one word when there are so many nasty words that are accurate and fun to say?

We try not to sexualize Zach Braff.

I think some people are hoping that the Spiceman goes full Mooch in a tell all book. I could be wrong.

You just totally burned Warren Gamaliel Harding. Harding liked golf, helped Russia after the Bolshevik Revolution, had an administration plagued by corruption, numerous extramarital affairs, and died of a heart attack in year three. The analogy and wish fulfillment checks out.

I don’t think imposing my political beliefs on my car with bumper stickers is fair. I think he should have his own say.

It was her first social media violation. Back in the olden times, in the long long ago of 2008, Sports Journalists wrote columns on websites. In that column Jemele Hill said something along the lines of “rooting for the Boston Celtics is like saying Hitler is a victim.” She was suspended for a week and it was seen…

It’s her first offense with ESPN’s social media policy. Hill will be fine. I think Curt Schilling got in the neighborhood of five or six warnings after comparing Muslims to Nazis, saying Hillary should be killed for the e-mail server, and something offensive about transgender Americans.

Call for help.

This is why horror movies/ novels never bothered me. Any imagined horror is never worse than the crap we do in real life.

Personally I am shocked that a movie studio would be so craven as to take two popular movie characters from a billion dollar a movie franchise and try to make a few paltry hundred million on the side. No other movie studio in the world dare try to monetize a franchise in this manner. What is this world coming to.

Leave Ted Cruz alone! He doesn’t just like porn, he really likes cornholing and it was his first overture to Iowa voters in 2020. He might even proposition his daughter to court Trump voters because Ted is a total whore. Sheesh! Case Closed!

Remember what?

Wait, I can have a three-dimensional poop? Here Apple, take my money. This is the pinnacle of smart phones. This moment shall never be eclipsed.

What are the logistics of the mermaid... I mean, how do you... never mind, I’m screwed up enough as it is.