I have failed to be a good samaritan so many times out of fear of other people.

Because unless she’s murdered and eaten an entire kindergarten class, no woman deserves ‘internet justice.’ Jess is a dumbass, but she’s not the one with a network TV show.

I abhor this show. Just this week, we had a good guy with a gun shot for trying to (stupidly) intervene in a domestic dispute. This show portrays people with the good sense not to get involved in spats as ignorant and immoral. Sorry, but who knows what people are capable of in this day and age and who knows what…

Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or 1 horse-sized duck? Would you rather have a rich dad who is a porn star or a poor dad who is the school janitor?

Easy to call someone irritable when it’s not their kid taking fifteen minutes to put on their fucking shoes. I set four pleas this morning

Irritable, of course. Law degree? Check. But I’m only a “dad” in the Roe v. Wade sense of the word. Allegedly. http://tosh.cc.com/video-clips/3q…

He is a Vikings fan, as am I. Which means that what probably will happen is that they’ll start dating, they’ll get engaged, and then on their wedding night, she’ll wind up sleeping with the best man or the bartender.

Clicking on any Deadspin link installs Stuxnet on your computer. They remotely activate the camera and record you yelling at your children while you masturbate to Supreme Court opinions. It’s what approximately 35% of their audience is doing at any given moment.

I AM, in fact, an irritable dad with a law degree, Samer. How did you DO that?

“Tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya!”

Please God, make sure those pauses aren’t pregnant.