I don’t think it’s the universe hating Phil that makes things suck for him, it’s that he seems to enjoy being miserable by making bad choices based on what is peen is telling him. It’s driven the entire show for I don’t know how many episodes. It’s getting a little old hat, wouldn’t ya say?

I work in the electronics department at Toys R Us. One day, I had a random kid start chatting me up, being suspiciously friendly and telling me how cool I am and how awesome my job is, and then he says he’s going to get his grandma and come back.

If you like pets but hate ants, I recommend anteaters.

That’s all true, but it’s still funny in it’s own way. I watch both shows occasionally, and they are so different yet I laugh at both. Maybe I’m the weirdo.

have you ever had a friend bring you a really good bagel or something and you call her an angel? and then another friend is like, “why must you constantly put friends on the highest of high pedestals? can’t they just be someone with a great deal of good bagels doing something good?” and you’re like, “whatever, she’s…

Jia, you can borrow this if you need it. Because, Meryl.

Worth noting that there is zero chance these parents will let the child out of their eyesight to be kidnapped.

“We ain’t raisin’ no nerds!”

If you're going to include a deal for Grave of the Fireflies, you ought to include a deal for a bulk pack of tissues as well.

If you're going to include a deal for Grave of the Fireflies, you ought to include a deal for a bulk pack of tissues…

Can’t tell you how many ransom arguments I’ve gotten into with parents because I don’t know the stupid kid’s name. They’re like “Brown hair with a red tshirt? That could be anybody’s kid. Not my problem.” There’s gotta be a better way!

NO MORE BOOKS. Books are for losers.

I thought the #1 cause of kidnapping was Googies.

“And at this point, he hates when we try reading to him.”

If my sibling sent me this, I’d send the kid a picture book and a hat with his name on it out of spite.

“Cease all work immediately and fulfill my list of demands.”

...Porn, maybe?

As a man, I feel I need to say the following:

You forgot our boners on the 2nd list.

MAN-FORMATION

I use a browser extension where I can block key words from my Facebook feed, and “Younique” and “Jamberry” were the first words I added. Third was “Crossfit”