My only thought when he grabbed her was “Holy shit, he did almost pull her across the counter.” Then I watched her beat the bejeezus out of him with unmitigated glee.

From the title on down, this article is pure poetry. 

Rumors that James was promoted to a management position handling all the restaurant’s beef cannot be confirmed.

He’ll be needing that straw now.

Was rooting for a KO but that's ok. Dude got the deep tissue massage he was asking for anyway.

Every beautiful strike to that douchebag’s nose got a resounding “YES” from me. FUCK. THEM. UP. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.