Now that I’m reasonably certain what f’ing song is gong to be playing on a loop in my brain for next three days I can relax and enjoy the rest of my night. Thanks.

Who the hell thought this front fascia would look good?

The Challenger is the fastest current Dodge

¼Loko

You’re a security guard stuck in the rain at an 8 hour Dolphins game, you’re “pants-won’t-stay-up” fat, your crappy poncho makes you the wrong kind of wet, and now you have to chase down a happy, healthy, wealthy 10-year-old whose life is already more interesting than yours will ever be. What’s that suicide hotline…

Who the hell thought this front fascia would look good?

I’m calling it now: The Browns are going 0-0-16 this season. 

On the bright side the Bills PR Department must be pretty proud of themselves for that 37 second highlight reel they put together.  

On the one hand, Nathan Peterman sucks at football.

I honestly don’t get it. I mean, is there some sort of street cred that goes along with dropping the ball as soon as possible?  Call me old school, but I’d rather get into the endzone and spike it.  (Also, in my later years I’ve decided that the NFL should adopt the rugby rule that the receiver has to place the ball…

It kills your appetite and gives you diarrhea, which makes it the Model’s Friend if they’re being tested for cocaine and meth.....

Not just the razor sharp cheekbones, these women’s spines stick out. I used to work lighting for fashion shows. As the token woman on the crew, I was perched between the changing area and the stage, as if my presence blocked the view of the male stagehands.

There’s nothing like watching something you previously had no interest in and then feeling a Take you never would have imagined having developing.

We were close enough to see the players, and when I saw Tom Brady walk by on the field, I booed him.

There are starving orphans who would LOVE to have a shirt!

The guy who defended high school football looks like this:

Booger McFarland sounds like the name of an ancillary character in a Burt Reynolds movie. Also, Reynolds is dead now.

Drew, Drew, Drew. I say this every year. I know you have to list a third of the league as being on the hot seat but Marvin Lewis is signed not just for this year, but for next year, too. Mike Brown will never, ever pay two coaches and Marvin is comfortably mediocre. He should never be on any hot seat list. Ever.

"Easiest money I ever made," said the guard. "He was always in the center of the room, since he refused to get anywhere near the walls, and every time he tried to get past me, he'd end up missing the door completely."