I have friends who make shit like that when they're high, and they're too embarrassed to even sell it on Etsy. It takes a lot to be too embarrassed to sell something on Etsy.

There's an engineer in my office who I find EXTREMELY attractive, on a really primal level, and all sorts of things about him, which I normally wouldn't find appealing, make me want to drag him into a conference room and screw him on top of a table. He's slightly pigeon-toed, which I find adorable. I like how I can…

At work the other day I came across a woman named Gina Talia who had no sense of humor about it at all and by this point in her life who could possibly blame her? If she killed her parents a jury would probably let her go.

I once found kittens that were abandoned by their mom in a field when they were so teensy. well, apparently the momkitty is supposed to teach them to poo by licking them. We had to use a face cloth instead, until my mom's cousin was like "my dog LOVES helping litters of kittens in my barn". So she started bringing her…

a frog who ate 30 rocks.

I don't really have strong feelings one way or the other, but I do have to admit, I adore them for the sheer Pavlovian "Yummm" you can make people say when you sing, "Red Robin!"

john and jane are fucking dicks so we shouldn't even be inviting them to this wedding.

everybody is special dash...

I'll be Sausage Dick.

Shart Week

Depending on the severity of the allergy, you may be able to have some kind of poodle mix. I have two mixes and they don't shed nearly as much as other dogs. In fact, one really doesn't shed at all.

You missed the best part of the Daniel Radcliffe interview:

This is why I love living in the midwest so much. I can go pick my own damned fruit on small farms and eat them and they are DELICIOUS.

Exactly how Nostradamus predicted it, man.

This is how the world ends, with pissed off feral cats and a Walmart parking lot.

1. You denigrate The Boss for a cheap shot at Canada.

It's true, we papist idolaters usually get no love from the Proddies. But when little Missy's head begins rotating 360 degrees and the pea soup is projectile-vomited all over the wallpaper, who do they call? Yeah, that's right, Father Thomas Francis Xavier O'Brien Connelly with his whisky breath and Latin…

This story made me think of my Dad. He was a baptist minister and at five years old I had never heard him cuss. One morning he was getting me dressed for school and he was looking for my shoes under the dresser (where I had hid them). My sister thought that it would be hilarious to kick him square in the behind while…