When I was 18 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 18 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have…

And sure as hell don't get so worked up over them that you actually invest the time to create a burner account just so you can leave pointless comments telling everyone how unfunny they are over an extended period of time; comments that will be ignored because they come from a random burner with no credibility who…

I don't think the response is "surprise" as much as indignation that MLB thinks it can moralize and grandstand about drugs when they profited from a doped up game and knew about it all along. A-Rod is a complete asshole (I live in NYC)l but I'm actually glad to see this getting played out in public.

Neither do owners or baseball commissioners or sports media. Take the money, shut the fuck up and stop pretending you're curing cancer instead of fielding a baseball team.

Hello Kent, and welcome to Deadspin. Seeing as how things in the Midwest seem to have a real or perceived lack of urgency, and contrasting that with the beltway insistency of even the most mundane of undertakings, my question to you is this: in all your years of journalism, have you ever sneezed and farted at the same…

Motion to Exclude, your Honor.

Excuse me, but Michelle Rodriguez having drunken lesbian sex is an early nominee for the Deadspin Hall of Fame.

How to Yell at Things in Ebonics

Ooh and ahh? Just like your mother said last night, Trebek.

NNNH!

PEPPERMINT ROLL!

It's certainly one of the 35 Things in 2014 that Would Restore My Faith in Humanity.

"Included on this poor sap's list is: strawberries, watermelon, mushrooms, grapes, lobster, crab and root beer floats."

This behavior is nothing new for Wyllie, who has been denying credentials to representatives of the Acme Corporation for years.

Well of course he's changing his bedsheets regularly, he's bleeding all over the fucking place.

You have no idea, the amount of people who complain about my over abundance of mustard is legendary.

Do you ever find yourself in the breakroom, slathering peanut butter onto a grilled cheese sandwich, and think to yourself, "Damn, I miss Dickey"?

I'm more of a blastoff celebrations kind of guy:

Then just get on your unicorn and ride the fuck away, after that happens.