I just wanted to say that I found a bottle of Allagash Curieux and I'm more than excited to buy it. I'm waiting for a job offer and to celebrate I'm bringing her home.

No shit. I've already explained to others that I wanted a relationship. I left out some details because it was a funny story. Get over it.

To be fair. That is one ugly baby.

Do these men know scotch and Archer? One of my best friends has been built on that exact premise. If not. Fuck those guys.

Delerium Tremens is a fantastic beer. And yes. I learned. Now I'm engaged to a great woman who doesn't expect that I buy a plane ticket to Italy. Just a good six pack every now and then.

I had romantic intentions. For the purposes of this story though, I thought it would be funnier to tell it the way I did.

She went to Italy. The reason we didn't go together is because she tried to get me to buy her train ticket for when we were over there. I told her no. She said she couldn't go. She probably got someone else to pay for it. But after I told her I wouldn't pay for it, she said she couldn't afford it. Also, I wanted more…

I'm not that kind of guy. I decided not to get into specifics about how I wanted to have a serious relationship with her and I'd hoped that this would make me look like the greatest guy she'd ever met. I thought my story would be funnier. Ironically enough, she didn't want to do anything sexual with me because I made…

I completely respect women and in no time durin my life have I expected sex in exchange for dinner/lunch/drinks/trips to Italy. I didn't think I needed to get into the super specifics of this situation given that it was a funny story. I appreciate you not being a dick back to me given that I was a dick. Trust me, I…

Let's just say it wasn't a year. It wasn't 6 months. It wasn't a month. It was stupid as shit on my part. I was making decent money at the time and I had never met someone like her before so it was the perfect storm of making stupid decisions. Let's just say I learned my lesson, and actually cut the ties when she…

I know right? She managed to sucker a whole group of guys she met in Germany on a bachelor party to pay for everything for her while she was there because she got "robbed". I called bullshit.

We dated for a few months. I took her out multiple times. I brought her to Boston for a weekend to meet my good buddy. We hung out a bunch. She always rejected my moves. When she tried to get me to buy her train tickets for Italy I said, fuck it, I'm done. I accidentally texted her how selfish I thought she was. I…

Jezebel is the next door over. And I was interested in a relationship with her. Being that this is a funny story post though, saying I didn't get to see her boobs is more amusing than "we didn't get to enter into a relationship."

She tried to get me to pay for train tickets for traveling all over the country while too. That's when I said fuck this. I found out later on that she got "robbed" in Germany and met a bunch of dudes in a bachelor party an managed to sucker them into paying for her stay in Germany for a few days and the train ticket…

Many times. We "dated" for a few months before the trip even happened. After a few months I knew I was being taken advantage of so I started to distance myself. The end of whatever the hell this relationship was ended with the trip.

I started to see that she was using me for money (who would have thought?) and told her she needed to pay me for half the ticket. Then I accidentally texted her how selfish I thought she was. That did not go over well. I didn't want to get taken advantage of the whole trip so we decided to do our own thing.

Thank you. I like to think I deserve that, but that was a little mean. I prefer, "you're an asshole."

When I was a young stupid 25 year old I met this girl. She seemed amazing. Climbed rocks. Hiked mountains. Traveled the world. Within a week she asked me to be her travel buddy to Italy. Hell yes I said. I've always wanted to go. So we start to plan it. We talk about the dates. I get it off from work. We talk about…

I hope like hell this is satire. If it's not though, it wouldn't surprise me.

This is by far, the waspiest way to get kidnapped and mugged.