You are an amazing spectacular golden god. I gained 10 lbs this last year and you are my idol. Please go out and buy all the cute clothes

Sorry sweet pea. It’s not gonna come out purple unless you give it a light base. Imagine mixing purple with a brownish red? Yeah you see that color? It’s dark poop brown right? That is what your hair will look like.

I want to be best friends with your dog and her cicada.

OMG I HATE BEING HIT ON. I really wish that that was not the case but it always makes me feel super uncomfortable/preyed on. The comedian Maria Bamford does a great bit about this. She says that whenever people hit on her she is always just like, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I HAVE NOTHING OF VALUE. JUST TAKE MY PURSE!”

No! They are not! Bad, friends not being supportive, bad!

You are actually like literally the worst

I have a Chinese fighting dog and pepper spray. Good enough?

This is the twilight zone.

STOP VICTIM BLAMING.

If I move there you have to be my friend, k? K.

OMG. Everyone needs to be aware right now that FP is texting me rn and is threatening to KIDNAP me and take me away to Chicago.

NO YOU ARE CUTE.

You bring out the horrible person in me.

Nooooooooo. Go awayyyyyyyy. Chicago is gross.

You are a dork.

Xoxoxo

Omg stop stalking me. Why don’t you move to wherever I plan on moving to, hmmmm?

That seems drastic to me unless you plan on moving in with him. But hey whatevs. I trust you to make the best decisions for you!

I have no idea what this means but it makes me happy and reminds me of the Laura Marling song Little Love Caster- “I’m no one’s tiny dancer.”

Wait I am confused. What does dating a 26 year old have to do with needing an emergency money fund? Is this a gay thing?