Our family tradition at Christmas is to go out Christmas Eve for lunch at a greasy spoon, be polite to the server, and leave a $100 tip in cash. It’s kind of selfish, actually— we all get to feel super altruistic, and we race to get out before the server finds the cash and feels like they need to thank us.

“There I was, enjoying a light repast at the Applebuddies club, engaging in a fine and stimulating discussion of Amanda McKittrick Ros’s brilliant use of simile and metaphor, when suddenly what should assault my ears but some jenny foreigner defiling the rarefied air of our great nation with her native tongue! Well I…

Wait, we’re applauding the guy who apparently overserved a couple and then called the cops on them because he didn’t like the tip?