I once saw a baby doing donuts in what I think was a Cadillac. I'm not sure because I quit paying attention once I realized that it was illegal and didn't actually count.

The first you should have learned about the rain in Spain is that it falls mostly in the plain.

I'm still shocked that more of the focus of these recalls hasn't centered on the 300+ deaths that have occurred. I think that's of quite more considerable concern than the effect on GM's bottom line and Mary Barra's reputation. I mean this from a self-centered point of view because it seems somewhat ominous that so…

"Wow Joe, I believe that what we just felt here at the ballpark is referred to as a 'tidal wave'." - Tim McCarver's call of the same earthquake

Audi: A German math equation that does most of the driving for you.

I believe the title should read 'spurts' not 'sports'.

In football, it's usually unrealistic to expect a player to spend their entire career with one team. DeMarcus, though, was one of those players that should only wear one uniform. Fucking sucks, and I'm not even a Cowboy fan, it just looks fucking ugly to see anything but Dallas next to his name.

I once knew a guy who tried to escape from a Nazi concentration camp, which as I'm sure you can imagine was against the rules. Never spoke to him again.

"Billy, what was the cause of the Titanic disaster?"

I usually keep my mouth shut when I make mudslides in my pants.

Jail tip: the whole fucking dick.

"Flip Saunders I woke up like this, where he get nervous twitch. True story!" - Alexey Shved, lying because he's a fucking liar.

The blinks from his wonky eye make up the morse code version of its 1994 monograph, "The Balkans and Their Strategic Importance In the Emerging Global Political Climate".

"There's something you need to know."

Rice usually assaults women after they've been married.

"Well, that was a huge fucking disappointment." - Blue whale cow commenting on its stillborn calf.

Getting in titties? The scouting report was right, he really does lack extra base power because he's obviously never gotten to second base.

That means he'll bankrupt the American economy twice as fast!

That's $5,042 per hour. That means he could buy 3 used Ford Escorts every hour that Craigslist is open...wait, there aren't enough used Ford Escorts to buy! Roger Goodell is going to force Ford to restart production of the Escort, most likely bankrupting the company, costing the NFL hundreds of millions of dollars in…

2009: Maybe someone should fax Lucas Glover a personality!