Getting in titties? The scouting report was right, he really does lack extra base power because he's obviously never gotten to second base.

That means he'll bankrupt the American economy twice as fast!

That's $5,042 per hour. That means he could buy 3 used Ford Escorts every hour that Craigslist is open...wait, there aren't enough used Ford Escorts to buy! Roger Goodell is going to force Ford to restart production of the Escort, most likely bankrupting the company, costing the NFL hundreds of millions of dollars in…

2009: Maybe someone should fax Lucas Glover a personality!

A fake football player claiming to play for a second rate SEC team driving an old Lamborghini around St. Louis?

[Shaq takes sip of coffee]

What's the big deal about a couple of football players tackling with smiles on their faces?

"Joey?"

Peyton Manning is built unlike any man I've ever seen. Makes you wonder what he's really doing in the off season with that mysterious Dr. Moreau.

I'm really surprised no one has brought up that dude from 'Family Guy'!

"Like I was saying, I need another kid like I need a third..."

Santa looks like he's trying to hide from Yoko.

If your dream was to compete for a world championship on an ESPN network, well, there's hope for you.

"Hey coach, do I have to post up again? That guy keeps poking me with something."

'Buzz City' is actually a drunk tank decorated with Muggsy Bogues memorabilia.

The Angle of List: Because Not Everything About Boating Has To Sink

"Hey kids, do you want me to 'put you on the couch'?"

[attaches Wild Turkey IV to puppy]

<burp burp burp beep beep burp beep>

I tried to make ragu and somehow ended up with my girlfriend Prego.