Pssshhhhht, we’re SOOOO much more evolved than those ape.....hey, you, um....you got a grub or something crawling around on your noggin there. You gonna eat that? Mind if I do?

Today, there will be allowances for crying in baseball.

Just put an Alexa speaker on stage, have somebody ask it who the winners are.

tim allen is a comedian ?

Nah. A 15-year-old is a kid. I’ll even allow that an 18-year-old is a kid in some ways.

I’ve found that it’s always better to leave your hands off the steering wheel, instead I set my feet at 5 and 7, leaving my hands free to eat sandwiches and dip chicken nuggets. Also the three accidents I have caused have really helped my yoga poses. /sarcasm

WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE.

“When you have to kill three hours.”

“Screeching hot plane” lololol

Thx, James. This is the best gift I could have received from the Gizmodo-verse.

I’m 1 minute 23 seconds in and this is the broiest bro that ever broed a bro

I’m going to watch this on a tiny TV while eating a bowl of 25-cent ramen, and laugh and laugh.

ok, 2 things

Look, I don’t much like Melania either, but that just seems rude.

Children don’t even expect a reward for being polite. They do it because they inherently understand that that’s the way the world works.

My biggest disappointment about Trump’s funeral is that he’ll be too dead to know how sparsely attended it was compared to his predecessors.

Melania promised they would go for McDonalds and he could ask for a “boy” toy in his happy meal if he behaved.

“I like presidents who are ME!”

No one needs to tell you what to think. Come to your own conclusions based on the information you're presented.