You know what they say: you mess with the Bull, you get the horns.

Man: "Hey, it's Scottie Pippen! I should politely ask him for an autograph after dessert."

Pippen Longstomping?

Face Jam

Fuck the race, I need him in me. In. Me. UNF.

Was it a Chevy Impala?

I got a new car as a push present, but only because my husband totaled mine 12 hours after I shit out his kid.

Well this is awkward... The OP originally had "Who's" then changed it after a visit from the grammar police. So... yeah.

thank you, my yearly donation to the grammar police is in the mail

Interesting stuff.

Calm down, do you want to become a doctor or not?

We've got trains going through all types of town in Texas. Some with and some without the train warning thingies that come down and block the crossovers. There are major freight trains that come through Austin multiple times a day. I'm so used to it.

Signs you hate your child: you dress him up like African-Alderaanian Princess Leia and take him to a monster truck show.

"Help me Grave Digger, you're my only hope..."

Has anyone seen my wiener? I know it's around here somewhere...

The Gay Games just called, and they want their closing ceremony act back.

Well, I said it once and I'll say it again.

At least he is easily distracted and catchable!!

Olbermann joins the Goodyear blimp as the second biggest bag of hot air to cover a major sporting event.

They're the white whales of this phase of the steroid era.