Only a space alien would throw a John Cheever reference in a tabloid review. Nice, E.T.

I really want someone to have the balls to name a horse "Future Alpo." Horse racing is awful.

She's Charlie Sheen with boobies.

My best trainer taught me how to correctly do 12 oz reps. Built some serious ab density. He went by the name Bartender.

Grandpa was right! It is the government's fault he can't get the clicker to work right!

Miley really knows how to get people twerked up about shit.

I just really want to find out the identity of his summer camp girlfriend from Canada.

I am doing this tonight. Our tomatoes went to shit for some reason this year, but we have basil out the wazoo. We have like 6 different kinds, I wonder if it's okay to mix them? Hmm, who cares, it will taste like happiness in the dead of winter. Thanks!

Hmmm. Don't want to be a nag but I am pretty sure there's a typo in this story. I'm pretty sure the wish is "punch" Chris Brown, not "meet" Chris Brown. Please update.

Lil Sebastian?

The guy should never have asked him to sign the autograph "Michael's little buddy."

I almost got run over by James Garner while I was working at the Indy 500. I should mention he was driving a golf cart.

Exactly where does one purchase a spear this time of year? Is there a spear store?

Guns don't kill people. Football players kill people.

Oh Madonna's poor face. Why? Is it going to "settle" down and look less clown face? She should have stopped in 2011.

Also from what I hear, not having a random poop while pushing is a bonus too. All my friends were worried about that.

What do you mean, SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL?!!

Yeah, the caked on make-up and spray tans are gross. It might be an insult to Miss Tranny USA to compare them.

At first I thought these were pics from Kim Kardashians delivery room.

This is where we'll go when the aliens come.