While Greg Hardy is a disgusting person, it makes you no better than him to root for him to get hurt.

<gif of Jerry Jones getting a lap dance>

Please don’t. I don’t even care about my fantasy team.

I’m always late because I’m never home at a time to live chat. Buuuuuuuut:I hate Fitz hes the absolute worse. Olivia is being mad useless. Jake the only one making sense. Stop trying to make Elizabeth & David happen. Sally act like she didnt murder her husband. I need more Rowan monologues.

But he still has a ring on it! So it counts!

Hahahaha Joe Rogan thinks the fight is fake as fuck? Joe Rogan “coming up with his own material” is what’s fake as fuck. God, what a loser.

“It’s an overwritten 3 a.m. email from a stalker man-child...”

Every pretentious twentythirtysomething critic thinks that writing lambasting a story about a guy writing a story—and “elevating” a genre by pointing out its clichés—is a stroke of genius

Actually, “Scream” (and its sequels) are nothing more than glorified Scooby Doo episodes. “Let’s see who the killer REALLY is!”

All I could think while reading this was “pot, meet kettle.” But if you consider this as a self-aware send-up of the sorts of people who genre bash things they aren't familiar with? It actually reads pretty well.

I think its EC’s first post give him a break he is trying really hard guys. You just don’t understand how hard it is to be a movie critic!

I hate torture porn but actually enjoyed the first Saw movie but that’s because it was mostly a psychological thriller about two guys locked in a room and ordered to kill each other. The traps and gore were mostly described rather than shown and weren’t the point of the movie.

Exactly. There was a ton of use of phrases like “discerning intellectual” and “twentysomething pretentiousness” and the like and I thought this was a parody article....but nope turns out it’s an author doing exactly what he’s trying to pretend he’s better then.

Oh my god this. I made it 3 paragraphs in and scrolled down before I realized it was another 10 before he even mentioned the movie being reviewed. This review was dog shit. Be ashamed author.

But films can’t be scary, so all they can do is startle the audience or gross them out. I love horror films, but I’m not six years old. None of them are scary.

Right. Does the horror genre have standards that need to be met? The plot of every 80’s horror flick is boobs-gore-kill the bad guy-tease for the sequel. This is just a different formula. Plenty of those old school style movies with loads of jump scares still being made.

Dude, this times a billiondy.

Man, I kept reading this hoping for some kind of through-line or identifiable argument, but the thesis here seems to be “the movies I don’t like are stupid.” Which is a valid enough argument (most of us have probably made it at least once or twice), but probably doesn’t need 3,000 words to be made. Which is especially…

Stop writing love letters and making homages, remakes and send ups and just MAKE SOMETHING SCARY MOTHERFUCKERS.

I know when I need a trusted source of authenticity on a subject I always turn to Joe Rogan.