Statler: Well that was different!

This is very Slate-y.

Potter’s family is really regretting the decision not to stage an intervention before he hit rock bottom.

It seems like there was a relatively easy fix too: Just have the guy fail at catching her due to the shock of seeing the Bulls shirt. Genuinely fucked up how anyone thought it would be funny to have the the guy intentionally throw her to the ground in anger.

You’re not punk. And I’m telling everyone.

What would you eat for breakfast every day if you were ridiculously wealthy and could eat anything in the world?

It makes me sad that people younger than 22 or so only know the name “Ronaldo” as a prissy, petulant (albeit outstanding) player for Real Madrid that sucks for Portugal and not one of the greatest, most fun players of all time that was awesome for Inter, Real Madrid, and Brazil. I still remember when he showed up at…

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

Anyone who calls this traveling can die in a fire.

I went out with Conor Oberst a couple of times. The sex was meh, but I broke it off when he came over to my parents’ house for dinner and pretended like he didn’t know what a potato was. It was obvious to everyone that it was just a shitty joke that he refused to abandon, and my dad eventually kicked him out. I mean,…

This isn’t embarrassing for me, but more for the rest of the school.

Like most people, I was an gangly teen- all pimples and limbs and braces. I had a huge, super nerd-girl crush on someone I’ll call Joe. Joe was a year older than me even though he was in the same grade, and had bit puberty sooner as a consequence, so was more man-than-boy shaped. Ravelston likied.

One look at time on…

I'm 33 and every woman I meet expects me to have a house and take care of the kids they had with some asshole in their 20's who couldn't be assed to stick around.

I feel like if you get hit by somebody named "Big Jim", you're gonna have a bad time.

Who the fuck is surprised that a woman named Eileen would only fill out the first leg?

I know you didn't just call The Lawrence Arms butt rock.

Nothing embodies a desire to escape racism like committing to Alabama.

Pro-tip: no one is honest about parenting on the internet. I'm sure you can see why.