"Hey Galland, this translation of One Thousand and One Nights book is a real stinker-can you add in a tale with a plucky orphan or something? My kids need brie to eat!" - An 18th Century French book publisher

Let's see, haberdasher, blacksmith, tobacconist, ironmonger, perfumer, saddler, vintner, drysalter, alchemist…nope, not one fishmonger in my village.

Why don't they just buy a boat?

Eight Men Outlander, the story of the old scandal involving Shoeless Joe MacJackson and Angus MacRothstein.

Bernie has only been a Democrat when it's convenient for him, it's not "his own party".

It turns out he's the Michael Corleone in a family of Fredos, who would have thought it.

Hey piss off, Charles J. Guiteau!

Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents for no coke…

That waitress is always late…for not being pregnant.

When it comes to stupidest communications from a president ever, he's like Wayne Gretzky at his peak in the 1980s—at this point he's just breaking his own records.

Onions are sad and make you cry—I recommend Funions instead, they'll make you smile.

Skipping Kennweick, Pasco, and Richland! And no shout-outs to neighboring Hermiston, Oregon either…

That's southern Idaho with the potatoes, northern Idaho is just famous for racists and pretty mountain lakes.

Well, if Jay Z isn't playing Kennewick in the Tri-Cities of southern Washington, ain't no way he's playin' Moscow, Idaho.

Cascadia fault is all hype, just like grunge rock.

Billy Joel drove a car straight into the heart of that fire…oh wait, that was the living room of a house on Long Island.

I think that one was called The Bus That Couldn’t Stop Laughing.

Well, looks like it's back to my free stand-up act on the Staten Island Ferry.

All those blind swordsmen movies would've be a lot more impressive if they actually cast a blind guy in the part.

The real victims of Crip-face were all those non-Crip actors playing Crips in South Central LA-set gang movies back in the 90s. Some of them were Bloods in real life even!