that's what human legs look like.

hypotenuse allergy

The Whole Wheat Toast is the best, because it was so obvious once I read it fully, but at that same time I had no idea of the punchline until the end.

He probably will get some type of visitation rights. One of the major reasons I didn't get an order of protection during my divorce is that my ex still gets a right to be a dad. All I could see happen from OFP would be pissing him off to the point of no return and because of our kiddo - he would still have a right to…

This dude only got 9 years as punishment for trying to kill someone and he gets pics of her children? Oh hell no. Hell. No. This is terrifying. Is he going to get visitation after his release too? I think your parental rights kind of end at throat slitting.

I didn't know that her new video is out. So if you haven't seen it yet either, let's watch.

I've been praying non-stop for a sign from God if I myself am making a good choice on leaving my abusive boyfriend, at this very moment I'm packing my things hoping for a safe get away while he is at work, I am more scared then I've ever been, scared because I know he will come after me but also scared because I feel…

I am so happy that you got out of this relationship. Thank you for sharing your story, I wish you nothing but happiness in your future.

So does Paper Magazine regularly feature asses on their cover, because this image makes it twice in a row?

I almost never laugh at comics, even when they're funny (I just smile wisely), but she had me laughing out loud. And it's for Valentines Day because blood, red, fertility, death, and STRAWBERRIES!

This is a first-ballot Hall of Fame comment.

Those ungrateful Poors. Obviously wasting money they clearly don't deserve.

Confront him. Friends don't let friends be shitty tippers, and persistently shitty tippers are not worthy of being friends with.

In the late '80s and early 90s I worked as a bartender at a very nice hotel. It was the place where money came for lunch and supper, celebrities would stay there while shooting movies, and lots of AMEX Platinums (Ceturion wasn't around yet) went past your face.

"As a palate cleanser for the last two weeks, please enjoy some stories of terrible customers receiving their just rewards."

Killed it.

Tilda Swinton and Lupita Nyong'o play the star-crossed lovers. Tom Hiddleston is their guardian angel trying to bring them back together. Nic Cage is the demon trying to keep them apart. Jim Varney is the folksy bookstore employee who finds the letter. Benedict Cumberbatch is Tilda's asexual, aloof older brother. …

Listen, I'm not here to ruin anyone's good time...

Sure! I think I can fit you in Tuesdays and Sundays. We'll pretend your "dad" has you the rest of the week.