I cannot take seriously a man who has my mother’s hairstyle.

Why do y’all always need to ponder who’ll be next? If a group of people are being murdered, but no one from the group with which you identify is around to witness it, does it still make a sound?

Apply this description to a vibrator and I do give it my SSN and name of the street where I grew up.

Fuck you, Germany, for THIS being the thing keeping you awake at night.

My wife’s name, Christine, is consistently misspelled/misunderstood amongst the younger generations. Kristen. Kristene. Chrystal. Kristy. Christian. She gets them all. How uncommon is that name these days?!

Eh. I’ve worked with my colleagues for six years. Every day, I get emails that read “Hey Terri! Would you mind...”

• Surprising no one, Adam Pally got arrested for criminal possession of both weed and coke, after being caught “smoking marijuana from an e-cigarette in public view.” [E! News]

RUG RANT WARNING: Those rugs don’t even make sense! People, stop buying a million little piece of shit $20 rugs and invest in a big ass rug to cover the whole space you need. Or- just don’t have rugs until you can afford the right one. Otherwise, your house looks like you’re playing a grown-up version of “The Floor is…

Really? Be honest with me here - do they not hurt when you sit down? Like, I imagine them slicing my gut in half and strangling my vulva. Am I wrong?

I totally agree with you on backless but I need v neck and low cut. I cannot wear a crew neck. It’s like (as the late, great Mitch Hedberg put it) being strangled by a very weak man. I have huge tits and I’m a mom and I’m modest in every other aspect of my attire but I goddamn refuse to give up my v necks. And I’ve…

I feel like you missed the part where I said that SHE WON. or maybe you just don’t want to hear that.

True story! My high school girlfriend wrestled against all boys. She was the only girl in the league and she won ALL THE TIME. And that was in the early 2000s in TENNESSEE. If TN had it all figured out back in the time of “Constitutional Marriage Ammendments”, what the fuck is TX waiting for? Chumps.

Well, I plan to be outta here by June but I hope you can make the trip. When I was seven months, my OB forbade me from traveling to Gatlinburg to meet up with my mother in law and wife’s (dying) aunt. First, I begged. Then I cried. Then I shouted “Fuck this. I’m going anyway!” and stormed out of her office. I’m amazed…

Road trip?

They’re all pretty far north (and most are actually closed to the trade). Where I am, the local furniture artisans just build those shitty log beds people decorate their rental cabins with. Shudders.

WELL NOW I feel like an asshole.

Keanu has nothing better to do. His career is a shoulder shrug and it shows.

I grew up in an upper-middle class suburb around cookie cutter houses with perfect lawns. However, my section of that suburb was deemed “Old Bellevue” by any of the newcomers in order to differentiate the gross, 1970s ranches from the 1990s McMansions. We were poor. My mother was a waitress and my father stocked…

I have two cats, a toddler, and my Great Dane recently passed away. So I totally get stains and subsequently will only buy white slipcovered sofas so I can bleach them. People are all “white sofa with kids and pets?! Gasp!” but I can’t imagine a sofa I couldn’t machine wash.

I actually have a Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams sofa that my wife bought at a PB outlet eleven years ago and it’s rad. It has down cushions, so it’s plush but it’s also oddly firm. We’ve gone through two sofa covers now (the original onewoukd shrink every time we washed it, which we do a lot). And the covers are around…