And I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand, and I asked God, “Why, when I needed you most, why did you abandon me?” God replied, “No, Antonio, it was then that I carried you. Because you cryogenically froze your fucking feet. This was one month ago! How do you not remember this?”

His name is Brandon though

What does this have to do with simplifying regulations? Everything was going according to plan before Trump decided to get involved. His people are the reason things are so complicated all of a sudden.

I mean, if you’re gonna unfurl a ‘Trump 2020’ flag somewhere, you might as well do it where the people there are so stupid they went to an Orioles game in August.

And Gulpers, giant hermit crabs and atomic cultists, if Fallout 4's Far Harbor can be trusted (note: I have never been to Maine).

So I’m bored at work......

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!

Probably because you didn’t read the article.

5. Young head coach, in fact hired solely due to being young and not any actual qualifications to be a head coach, veteran QB on his way out but with no young guy in the wings unless you count a 4th round pick, okay defense, not much to speak of on offense other than AJ Green wasting the remainder of his prime. Just…

Trade deadline approaches:

An Irish Bruins fan? What are the o’dds?

I dunno, I’m OK with the Knicks getting banned from the NBA for a year too.

The whole point of sports is to win. If the opposing teams defense is hot garbage, why is that the fault of the attackers? What kind of idiocy is this?

I mean, it’s not like the Thai women’s national football team ever humiliated an opponent by 13 goals to nil. Oh wait—they did? Against Indonesia? On May 27, 2018? In a friendly?

Once more for the criminally angery sportsmanship folks: there is goal differential in play. This is the highest tournament at the highest level for women’s soccer. Score as much as possible, advance, win. This isn’t for warm fuzzies this is for all the marbles and 13-0 means USWNT doesn’t have to sweat a tie breaker…

And you certainly don’t run up the score by 13 goals against a team who’s ranked 40 spots below you

Oscar Pistorius competed in the Olympics. And that guy has NO calves. 

I’m a 30-year-old man with two kids. I’ve got a mortgage and everything.

We made them keep Steven Seagal. 

BRIAN KELLY: Geez Cierre! Killing a kid? How could you! What would make you do such a thing? 
CIERRE WOOD: [through tears] I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!