"Butt-faced shitbag" is probably the most accurate description of Cowherd in existence.

Except unlike Apple, Tesla didn't decide to slap an extra 25% on the price, nor did they release a software update that made any model older than a year self-implode - but I'm sure they'll learn ;)

At least you were locked up when AJ ruined Deadspin.

By this logic, only Native Americans should be allowed to become Miss America.

I like how the NBA was so proud of their complete victory in the last lockout that this new CBA was so much more fair and now...now that revenues are about to explode, they're like, "whoa, hey there, young buck, that's a whole lotta money. you sure you want all that?" And the players (rightfully) respond with a nice:…

Fun fact: Jesus actually came to St. Louis first. Both mainstream Christians and Mormons got it wrong. I mean, why else would the second-highest position in the Catholic church be called Cardinals?

I'm going to run out and sell my great grandfather's Patek Phillip so i can get the Edition edition.

In some regards, he's still Head & Shoulders above others in the league.

Most dudes go home and beat off after pretty much any encounter with a female. I've been flying half-mast all day since the drive-thru lady asked if I wanted a receipt.

Well, technically Eli only has one. He lost the other one in the ball pit at a McDonald's PlayPlace.

I am Tyler's passive-aggressive email.

She probably also thinks that goddamned dress is White and Gold.

I want to see that happen so bad. You know that guy would would put on a better performance than half the nominees. "Stop everything, this man has LIED to you all!!!" (crowd gasps in shock)

I got ball bread once when my girl had a yeast infection.. no bueno.

Oh my god.

Ugh, I hate the people who are just impossible to explain anything to. I had a conversation about pesto this week that went like this:

Nothing worse than linguinies that are picked too soon. Grilling them more won't even make them tender.

Ugh, some of these employees have so much attitude. If you're unwilling to do things just because they're logically impossible, maybe customer service isn't for you.

Jeff Ireland: Dez, are you ashamed of your grammar?

Well, if it's worse than the impact from Ray Rice, it must be on par with the impact from the handrail.