Dear Aubrey,

So basically his watch displays Savage Garden lyrics?

You know after he bought it and left everyone in the store high-fived each other and then they closed up early.

My watch talks too and it says Timex

He’s living rent free in a large empty space filled with regret, shame, and anxiety?

Finally, a rich guy version of getting your calculator to spell BOOBIES. 

The combination of sultry-but-not-too-graphic language with that Terminator-looking industrial-chic design is extremely weird.

Last name “Ever,” first name “Corniest.”

He recently retained his Senate seat by one of the narrowest margins in TX voting history. Cruz is a lot of things, the vast majority of which are vile, but one thing he is very good at—and must be given credit for—is identifying, recognizing, capitalizing on, and/or exploiting political opportunities. He’s very well…

Yes, but you can’t carry that xbox around wherever you go if you travel a lot. Sheesh, it’s like people are actually refusing to consider that other people have different kinds of lives, like in every article with a gaming laptop there’s always gotta be that guy “hurr durr, you can get a monster of a PC at that price”…

“This” is a weird spelling of Ivanka.

Wait, it’s not okay to be at a liquor store now?

There’s experience to account for too.

If it doesn’t depreciate by 40% in the first three years, and replacement parts don’t cost three times the price of normal parts, then it’s not a luxury car.

Women’s wrestling. All hype or something even better? Having been to several events over the years, both in person and watching on TV, all signs point to women’s wrestling being the real deal. So why does nobody know anything about it? The answer is both simple and complex. Women’s wrestling has a misogyny problem.

Ohh c’mon. That is not entirely fair to say. Baku is a city in the middle of nowhere that is impossible to get to. Nobody would live there if there wasn’t oil. And nobody would ever want to go there unless there was a sporting event. Also, it is full of bigots that are inhospitable to outsiders.

Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad person, though!

In Neely’s defense, just because Ravizza’s dead doesn’t mean he isn’t doing what he does best.

The Sharks are in a really bad hole here.  It’s going to take everything in the referee’s power to bail them out the next two games.

It’s not too hard to understand the satiric tone of those thatistheplan videos. Fantano is a critic who spends a lot of time reading shit on the internet. When he picks on SJWs, it’s only because they tend to think in dogmatic cliches (his real target).