Considering how few benefits were extended to us when they're young, and now when we're of working age, I cant imagine how dumb my peers have to be to count on the same level of social support from the state that previous generations had when we're old, reproduction or no.

"Because you know what would happen if no one chose to have kids because it was too onerous, right?"

The human race would die out and our once-lush and fruitful planet would have a chance to return to a healthy stasis now that it's no long covered in parasites, and adults will no long be presenting children with the remains of a ravaged earth? Do you ACTUALLY give a shit whether or not the human race as a whole…

An excuse to listen to "Bang Bang" again, you say?

I don't know if it'll ever happen, but I can't help but dream of a day when a voting option is available online. Our phones can read our fingerprints, they know where we are at all times; it is not impossible to verify someone's identity virtually. You're asking college students to remember to mail things on time;…

NYC liberals to upstate: "Bye-bye! Have fun storming de castle!"

Yes, very wrong. Sure, it makes things easier for the socially awkward, but people who are attractive and charismatic often have things like "successful careers" that make it not really feasible to go out every night to wherever it is you think people ought to be meeting each other. Not to mention, you're part of your…

I hate you and your whole family and now I have to move out of New York City so THANKS FOR SHARING.

I went to Mount Holyoke, where the morning after Halloween was NOTHING compared to the morning after Drag Ball. We looked forward all year to eating waffles at brunch with the mens in their itsy bitsy cocktail dresses.

As a born, bred, and educated Northeasterner I can tell you for a fact that that is not why anyone I knew in college did it. "Getting a base tan for spring break" and "covering up cellulite" is generally it. Contrary to popular belief, Californians do not own the concept of sun-kissed vanity.

"Kelly" is a name that lends itself really well to that joke.

I have been successfully implementing all these strategies for years now. We get a tree first or second week in December, hang a wreath on the door, and forget about it until Christmas when we cook a giant feast and give each other presents and just hang out and enjoy each others' company.

No joke, I have had that EXACT same interaction on OKCupid. Almost to the letter. It's part and parcel of why I trust my instinct not to ever respond to a friendly "Good morning!" on the street—because there's about a 50/50 chance the next thing that friendly man will say is "wanna suck my dick?"

If you walked up to me at a party and said "it will be 9 x 1.36 per mile for you to get home from here," I would technically "be aware of my options" but I would have no fucking idea how much that would actually cost me. You're asking a drunk person to pull up Maps, map their route to find the exact mileage, pull up…

Not to be shitty about Baltimore, but she lives in BALTIMORE. There are plenty of neighborhoods in that city where it's not advisable to walk in the middle of the day, let alone drunk and alone at 3am.

One year I went as a slutty sailor. I like books, hiking, and dumplings.

In my absolute, truly most sexually satisfying relationships, that conversation has never happened in advance of the first encounter. Those guys were very, very responsive *immediately* to a "no" or a "stop," but they don't ask first, for anything fairly ordinary. What you're describing is not more of a turn-on,…

She has also tested negative for ebola, so what else do you want?

I had a long talk with my ex about this, because of how our relationship began—on our first date, we were walking back through a park, and he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me up against a fence and kissed me. I happen to be deeply, fundamentally into rough sex of that kind, but rather than let it escalate, I…

I'm fairly confident that Olivia Benson the Cat has watched enough SVU during Taylor's single phase to draw the same conclusion. I am typing this on her behalf because she doesn't have thumbs.