Because American taste is about as refined and subtle as a Quarterpounder with extra cheese and bacon. That and if it doesn’t come with a massive spoiler and 20" rims it’s lame.

Came here for this. It worked out so well last time

Wait until all the other old guys get the same idea. Then the ocean will be just like Boca Raton.

I think it was the “especially ones with no water at all” part that threw me off. 

He should have stayed home and just drank the wine.

The real reason “he’ll be able to exit the barrel to swim”.

Aren’t all empty swimming pools ones with no water at all??

He should be able to alert other boats with his GPS, but that might take some power. There are RADAR reflectors that sailboats fly from their masts’ spreaders, but I doubt his boat is tall enough for those things to work (if they work at all).

To be fair, I wasn’t trying to help.

That's where the monsters are.

he’ll be able to exit the barrel to swim, and spear fish.

This is what I thought of.

“Old Guy Figures Out How to Get Everyone to Leave Him Alone”

He didn’t say the exact right thing!

When the fuck did the “apology commercial” become a thing?

As a franchise owner in this brand, let me assure you of a couple things:

I’m still waiting for the Smith and Wesson version of this ad.

Corporations are people, my friend!

I’m going to be honest, I’ve never really expected much from Papa John’s. 

I have a headache now.