I hope the only thing anybody ever uses it for is to actually say “hi, I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn” to each other forever until the earth is swallowed by the sun.

What do they talk about? You know, the usual — soup, snow peas, the outdoors. But, really, they can talk or not talk forever.

I remember when news like this might have been exciting or elicited some sense of hope.

This is how I got this news:

Milk + hotel

Yeah, that basically never happens. He and an accomplice robbed five banks over an eight-month period. The bar to get over that kind of background and practice law is really, really high. He must have had a stellar record and a ton of high-profile recommendations.

Normally, I’d be snarking right there with you...but how he went from convict to attorney actually sounds pretty incredible. And he also worked to help other convicts when still in prison.

Guess a movie doesn’t begin at conception either.

“I agree politically with everything Hari Kondabolu says up to the point where it inconveniences me in any way.” -Matt Groening

Am angry at you and angry at my body for how it just betrayed me when I clicked that Joel McHale link.  

I keep saying SOMEONE needs to make a grocery store with a Smaland. I would shop nowhere else ever again. 

Lest anyone think Father of the Bride II is weird to pair with Toy Story, I saw Father of the Bride as a theater double feature with Beauty and the Beast... Good to know they kept that baffling trend going!

This was the wrong thing to read while high because my mind is fucking BUzZInG with Something’s Gotta Give: The Twinset

How many dudes use their grandma’s ring to propose? Same shit, just reverse it and the misogyny comes out.

Thanks for joining Pete for another edition of “What You Would Do is Not Necessarily What Others Would Do,” episode number “Shut the Fuck Up It’s Not Your Dad’s Chain.”

Also damn like mind your own fucking business anyway

“No girl should ever wear your dad’s chain,” one Instagram commenter wrote. “So disrespectful.”

I worked as a nurse in a locked psych facility. One of my NAC’s lost a baby this way. She was not prosecuted because I don’t live in a shit state, apparently. She was just gutted over it, because she had no education in her life that had ever led her to be able to understand how the biology of all this works. She…

$3 million bail? Really? 

the bail seems a bit high