He's compensating for his tiny, doll-baby sized hands.

What has American political discourse come to — shilling for Shrek? :/

Honestly, some of my desi aunties would absolutely kill to get a 22% success rate for their marriage-arrangin'.

Sadly, Sailor Neptune and Uranus did it to me back in the '90s. Before they were "cousins", of course.

I wish I was chilling in a ghost dimension with Kate McKinnon, dressed as Hillary but that's just me~~

I see that someone’s already done this joke. SO I WILL UP THE ANTE. MELANIA WILL BE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND MICHELLE, CREEPILY MOUTHING THE WORDS AS MICHELLE SINGS. Thank you.

What a coincidence! Melania's Carpool Karaoke airs on Thursday!

Anderson Cooper declined to tell me how woke he is, indicating that he’s incredibly woke

Oh shit, you're right. Is Stacey Dash's support in danger because of this enormous snub??

There's also Herman Cain and Ben "Gifted Hands" Carson.

Well, you know she has Stacey Dash's vote on lock. There's that.

Woodbury, MN?? I grew up there. And honestly... I can believe. Shit.

This is a greased ladder convention.

Isn't The Real basically The View for a younger demo???

It feels like everyone on my tl has seen it and loved it. I was going to see it, but unfortunately I was trapped by the ghosts of my own disappointing life, prospects. Also there were, like, only three standard showings at the movie theater near me. 3D gives me a headache!!

Quietly tragic.

A Towel of Karen's Own.

I mean, it’s nice to own a small business? Especially if your husband is trying bring about The Handmaiden’s Tale-times. You know you’re not going to be able to own anything then, up to and including your own body!

Wow, for some reason I had always assumed he had blue eyes?? I was stereotyping Hollywood leading man types! :(

Sometimes you gotta kill 'em with kindness. Or possibly lightly poisoned petit fours.