Getting free appetizers before being asked to leave a restaurant because the staff hates your policies is as bad as being beaten to death for holding a man’s hand. There are very fine people, on both sides.

But they are occasionally yelled at! The horror.

It’s the central grift of the so-called Intellectual Dark Web. That they’re telling secret truths revealed by hard reasoning, rather than telling you what you want to hear and asking for money.

No, but you see if you label your argument as “reason” and your opponent’s argument as “emotion” that automatically makes you correct. Have you never been on the internet?

Actual honesty and, you know, taking responsibility for the things you say. You are not long for this world, my friend

The Federalists’ entire shtick is getting members of the Leopards Eating Faces party who haven’t had their faces eaten yet write articles about how their faces are never going to be eaten.

And then I realize I’m totally wrong - in order for the joke to work as a mistake, it would’ve had to be “Gay-Trump-supporting” ... I am wrong, and will leave this here as a testament to my idiocy.

This is why I personally favor misanthropy. No nuance or hair-splitting required. 

Except that humans literally cannot multitask. People who claim to be good multitaskers are the worst employees, for example. Multitaskers should really be called incapable of focusing on and finishing a task.

Pancakes don’t merit a “recipe” beyond Bisquik or Krusteaz.

Cool story, bro.

This take is so hot my eyebrows wilted away to nothing. Somebody get me a sharpie.

Oh boy, I can’t wait to see the Dead Letters generated by this article.

Because, despite their proliferation throughout the ranks of professional and collegiate football, most football coaches are actually terrible at their jobs. A lowering tide sinks all boats?

I feel like I’m supposed to take away something from this article... something related to time and Lionel Messi. I just need it hammered home one more time to really internalize it, though.

Percocet. Ever had these? For years I put up the old man “Get off my lawn” routine. But now? I MUST HAVE. Give me all the Percocet. They tell you you’re not allowed to have cheap beer, but brother, you haven’t listened to Skins talk radio all week. 95% of what’s wrong with the NFL could be washed away with these…

I did sucky

69-yard-play : story involving Gronk :: smelly wet fart : story involving Big Ben

Gruden decided to make his bed with Sanchez as his No. 1 guy, and an off-the-street guy as his No. 2, for reasons that will never be explicitly articulated.