Haagen Dazs chocolate. I can't believe there's even disagreement on this. As a backup, Haagen Dazs mint chocolate chip.

I shit you not; I know a guy named Stone Wahl. I believe he developed himself into a brick shithouse purely out of a desire for self preservation.

That is awesome. The only way they could have done better would have been to reunite Culture Club.

You’ve either doped or you haven’t; attempted to gain illegitimate advantage or you haven’t. There’s nothing particularly complicated or defensible about it.

There you would be wrong. Good ones, too. Nice dudes, but they were getting up at 4:30 to swim when their contemporaries (except for hockey players, who also had fucked up hours) were snoozing away. My nephews were and are the same.

Sure, there are those. But, athletic vs academic success is frequently a function of the scarcity of time. Some people can acquire both, but the evidence is out there that frequently one commitment overrides the other. One’s window for athletic achievement is narrow.

Can we maybe agree that you simply cannot co-opt a historical insult through usage? The n-word still means what it always meant. Bitch and cunt still mean what they always meant. Those words aren’t fucking endearments or representations of power; anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional or too fucking young to have…

My hair has ever so gradually faded from a deep pumpkin orange to a still red, but (I’ve been told) strawberry blindfish hue.

Please be a native of the British Isles, because no American can say, plausibly, “...couldn’t be arsed...”. That’s “no worries” to the 45th power.

Narrow feet are no picnic.

Absolutely a Coke reference, unless the other couple likes jazz, in which case it’s a freaky heroin/sex thing.

It's almost enough.

Private universities get to make some of their rules. I'm pretty sure though, that refusing to investigate sexual assaults is an example of a rule they get to make.

Repeat after me, “It’s not your fault.”

Motherfucker!

That number can go up or down, depending on the competence of the human resources department. Or, if one of the bonees is in the human resources department.

He’s hardly the first athlete to take bad advice from a publicist or manager; remember, those efforts took place at arguably the height of our “no particular reason, but I’m a” celebrity boom. At least, he had accomplished something noteworthy.

I think he gets a bad rap. He’s a flat out amazing athlete. He’s not great at being coherently extemporaneous. My point is that he’s spent his life trying to be the former, yet we lampoon him for not being the latter. We're the idiots, here.

Sure, Eric Heiden, now a pretty well-known sports physician. There’s plenty of examples on both sides. But, it’s not really up for debate that most elite athletes move through life in a bubble until their athletic careers end. Some are “just like us”; most aren't. It's not a knock, just reality.

...and a monumentally bad choice. That thing is just future Mercedes payments for a laser removal specialist.