Well at least he still has that divorce to look forward to.

50 women picked up gargabe out of a river, read the romantic note attached, and thought, “Yeah this doesn’t sound like it’s gonna get me murdered, let’s go for it!”

Right?! Romantic would be 1 bottle. 2000 is law of mass action. Just ask out every person you meet then, someone will say yes.

The headline made him sound cute and whoever cited him like a killjoy. 2,000 bottles, though? That’s enough to make me a killjoy too. Take out a personal ad.

Pickle, Trump is very sensitive about the size of the white hose. Best not ask about it.

Literally a Margaret Atwood quote come to life.

You mean the new Sebastian Stan movie, right?

“Some of y’all can count TO TEN?!”

Same with the Gwinnett Braves name! Gwinnett of course was founded by a group of racists, and was later the home of more racists.

She “became deceased?” Yeah, no. She was shot and killed by the cop.

They’ve already released the new new logo. 

“Y’know, I *thought * it was weird that they wanted the image of a mountin’, but hey, the customer is always right.”

Oh come now! He’s not WILLFULLY stupid! In fact he is very smart and such a good boy! Oh yes he is!

but if you think that his relationship with a ridiculous fraud who sells “recovery sleepwear” has anything to do with that accomplishment, you are either incredibly naive or willfully stupid.

If John McCain has brain cancer, then what will the rest of the GOP be diagnosed with?

U shld worry about tht

I’m beginning to think our president has no fucking clue what he’s doing.

My favorite Graham Norton moment involving Jenifer Aniston

First of all, lol at your many attempts to make sure the Sanders people don’t flame you. Good luck with that.

Word of caution to all of you new parents out there: it's exhausting having a newborn in the house, and you have zero privacy piled onto your sleep deprivation.