Well, this concludes my experience on the internet for the rest of my life.

‘I love you. You’re the greatest.’

My pillow looks like the headbandage of a WWI soldier.

Why do we have to wash bath towels if we only use them when we’re clean????

i refuse to believe this is real i will clean my pillowcases and that’s good enough

That “time” I ate popcorn in bed? Singular?

I saw Nick Viall walking down the street in Chicago about 3 years ago. Here are the stages of being a dude and recognizing somebody from The Bachelor(ette) on the street:

1) Lots of young people watch The Bachelor
2) The only fucking young people you know are sports writers.
3) Therefore, the young people you know watch The Bachelor.

Drew, my man, don’t become “Old Man Yells at Cloud.”

Can we all agree that Bill Simmons, regardless of current marriage status, should be the next Bachelor? Watching vapid women attempt to listen to his takes with a straight face would be primetime TV gold.

well if we are all dead that does explain why Frederick Douglass is still around

I got 3 tacos for $1.95 each today because it is taco Tuesday, so I know how Depp feels.

Depp spent in excess of $75 million to acquire, improve and furnish 14 residences, including ...a fully-functioning horse farm in Kentucky.

There is absolutely nothing someone could say they did that I would consider an over reaction to bed bugs. Threw away your $2000 mattress? Well obviously. Spent two months salary on exterminators? Sounds about right. Moved and left all your stuff behind? You can always get more stuff. Burn your house down with your…

It took me a moment to get past “ass butter”

I don’t recall who said it, so I can’t give proper credit, but the gist was that Sean Spicer looks like the guy who just got bitten by a zombie and doesn’t want to tell the rest of the group.

I buy good ass butter (kerrygold) and leave it out (in a sealed container).

Often, when returning from lunch, my shirt has come untucked from my pants.

Did...did Petchesky have to clean up Brady’s spunk?

Pats fan here. Understanding that most of America hates my team, and is therefore predisposed to hate Tom Brady, it’s been difficult to balance my fandom with the fact that Donald Trump is already the clubhouse leader for Worst President Ever and that the QB and coach support(s)(ed) him. I’ve been so used to defending…