You can't do that, but you can infuriate everyone around you by playing the Sublime song "Barsantaria."

The waterboarding is slightly different, but tactics like sleep deprivation, group nudity and degradation all function pretty much the same way. Like Abu Ghraib, but even hotter.

They enter sexual congress in a three-way with the holy spirit for the sole purpose of procreation. They pray before and during. He weeps after. She takes a shower for 72 minutes. Pat Robertson sheds a single tear.

This took me through a whirlwind tunnel of depression, glee, cynicism, righteous anger, and relief. I have to double check, but I'm pretty sure those are all the feelings.

There are so many things wrong with evangelical ideas about sex that I don't even have a great place to start, but I completely agree with you on this point.

I think the problem with overtly Christian films tends to be the overly Christian part.

For a long time, I've maintained that people who study theology and church history are just lore nerds who picked the shittiest thing in the world to be into.

I love the scene in that where he flips over all the tables at the blood bank.

It's not like they get into it for the pay…

True. And the day they install fleshlights and Xboxes in voting booths, they will.

I actually have a lot of empathy for you there because I'm kinda going through the same thing. For the last few months, I've been pulling out facial hairs in my unmedicated anxious frenzy. It's embarrassing and dumb and I can't stop doing it. Couldn't even tell my girlfriend for a long time, although it was pretty…

Jesus, I am genuinely so sorry to hear that.

Honestly not trying to snark on this, but I find it incredibly cosmically funny that love and other human emotions are enough of a monster to spark that many skirmishes about wigs. I can only imagine him holding a wig, which for some reason in my head is a bob, in both hands, red faced, tears streaming down. He's…

"Bob Vance, Vance Genitalia.
Bob Vance, Vance Genitalia."

When I told my parents at the age of 25 that I was moving 1,500 miles away to live with my girlfriend, my mom said, "So are you, like, getting an apartment out there or…?"

I'm a Leninist. I support Len's issues.

When I saw this, it had 421 comments. So, so close to ironic perfection.

I have, by far, the absolute worst story about meeting a famous person.

D'brickashaw Ferguson: it's a family name.

Annie's Boobs. Do we really even need to talk about why?