In my experience, fixating on someone unattainable only got in the way of actual opportunities to have relationships with cute, interesting girls who were actually interested in me. All I can say is just try to keep your eyes open and maybe you'll find a person who will make you feel dumb for ever pining over Douche…

I had a similar experience not too long ago, in which I'd been harboring the masochistic desire to do standup for months without saying anything to my girlfriend. The insane that played over and over in my head when I told her about it was confusion, followed by, "Why? You're not even funny." When I did finally work…

I met Mrs. Zeppo online five or so years back, and her visiting me sealed the deal on what was otherwise a pretty conventional relationship. I moved out here to be with her almost four years ago now. The visit only really served to prove what we both already felt. Idiotking may be providing the consensus, but my…

Honestly, based on the reasons given for breaking up, I'd say you're better off. All we have is the right now. Everything could go tits up tomorrow, but if you're happy now, what's wrong with that? Sounds to me like he has some stupid, idealistic version in his head of what a partner is, and until he figures his own…

Sounds like most of the churchgoers I know.

If you plan to give a fuck, help save the planet. Give a Green Fuck.

You'd remember meeting Qweef Latina.

Ideally though, ideally, I'd be doing what you do. We should be working together.

There's a famous audio recording in which the aforementioned Mr. Welles offers, nay, threatens, to go down on someone. Being the Nick Offerman of his time, I assume he was a virtuoso in the medium.

"In trouble? Call a pal! Ignatius J. Palpatine, Esq. will be there to defend you in two shakes of a wookie stick."

In the Pete Holmes vernacular, that made me laugh against my will.

That's how I respond to all my fact-checking inquiries. Diabetes always finds a way.

You deserve a patented Orson Welles blowie/lickie for that comment.

NYDJ, presumably.

The example I always go back to on this is from the '90s TV show Dinosaurs. My parents let me watch it because my mom thought it was "cute," her primary criterion for the worthiness of all media. They made a joke in one episode about how a Soulless Corporation was trying to get children to buy trachea plugs, and the…

Nine out of ten parading blumpkineers say it was a strange year.

Sounds like Pastafarian heaven.

Wackity, schmackity dooooo!

They call that a "Prince Albert."

You must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.