That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying it’s a false dichotomy to imply that someone with agency who does shitty things can’t also be a victim. It’s harmful. Shitty people can be abused. That doesn’t absolve them of being shitty or prevent others from holding them accountable.

Yep.

Every day since Trump got elected I see the feminism of this site errode a little. Pretty soon it will be nothing but makeup/sex tips, fashion and weight-loss advice. I’ll have to find new places to hang out.

I may have to start a new blog of my own.

I see her through the lens of my past DV work which included a lot of foreign-born women whose husbands had sought them out specifically with the idea that Asian/Russian/Eastern European women were “real women” unlike the American harpies. You can imagine what those guys were like as husbands. After Marla maybe Donald…

Thank YOU! You articulated what I couldn’t, that there’s this certainty - and with it a sense of superiority - that “it could never happen to me!” But it can! I thought that too and it isolated me more than anything when I needed help.

Omg, I love you so much for sharing this!

My last boyfriend (relationship ended almost 10 years ago) was a asshole who totally did a 180 on me once the relationship honeymoon period was over and I too have a college degree and consider myself a smart and independent woman with agency. I felt so foolish when I…

She should have known better, wearing a sexy outfit at a frat party... I MEAN marrying Donald Trump. Boy is my face red!

Thank you for sharing. It really can happen to anyone. Love and solidarity <3

I’m shocked that at a feminist site where there are tons of stories just like this and where we acknowledge Trump is a narcissist and most know how they can be, we can make blanket statements like “She knew what she was getting into”.

As a person in the same situation, thank you for saying this. It’s 100% true and can happen to anyone, even if all the signs are there beforehand. Abusers are expert-level manipulators who know exactly what to say while showering you with affection to pull the wool over your eyes. I mean, come on, her husband fooled…

I’m sorry, but I’ve been where Melania may or may not be. I knew my abusive ex had a history with “crazy” women - a label I didn’t question, as he was so charming and swept me off my feet in every way possible....to the extent that I didn’t even notice he was isolating me from everyone else. In fact, it ended up being…

What you’re saying is the definition of victim blaming.

You might want to reread what you wrote and do some unpacking because that’s exactly what you said.

No, you are saying that if she chose to get into a relationship with a known narcissist and egomaniac, that she deserves what she gets and should not deserve any sympathy if that relationship becomes abusive, because she chose her fate.

Maybe she didn’t know what kind of person he was. Narcissists can be very charming.

How gross are you all going to feel if it comes out later that she was being abused? We don’t know what’s happening sure, but a lot of women who have survived hideous abuse are seeing similar signs in her. I’m not going to discount that outright. Even actively shitty people don’t deserve intimate partner abuse.