He really pissed off that dog.

It’s a lot like the Alot

they are literally the opposite of each other. it shouldn’t be this hard.

I hate people who confuse “apart” and “a part.”

On thinner bodies, the dress skews a tiny bit fascist.

What's the sound of two washboard abs rubbing against each other?

My condolences... 

Remember, we had “My Neck, My Back”! 

If they stop testing, then they won’t have any cases, right?

Boom. There’s your answer... 6:20, the exact moment that Jonathan Swan attempted to commit mental seppuku.

Prince Philip doesn’t look a day over 200.

The tone of Jezebel over the last year (? or thereabouts) is really disappointing. Not funny snark, just mean.

Are you sure that’s not the cast from Final Destination 7?

Oh. Hell no!

Lots of people here are slagging Dunkin's donuts, but honestly Krispy Kreme's are the most hideous donuts ever created. 

If I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect that this is my wife’s secret account because this is describing me down to the headbands.