I am dying laughing in my office all alone right now.

I believe my volcano base has room for one of these.

Luckily he was white.

"The suspect was seen brandishing a Rubik's Cube in a threatening manner. The officer had no idea it wasn't a real Rubik's Cube..."

Sounds more like you're an asshole than someone breached the rules of common decency.

Look, some people have bad butt gaskets and can't help it. The older you get, the worse it is. Parts wear out, and for some people, they can do everything possible and the fart will still come out.

This does not compute. When I blaze hard enough that people actually notice, "hitting on strangers" is the last thing on my list of priorities—well behind giggling, daydreaming, doodling, eating salty things, watching crappy Netflix documentaries, and playing with my pets. Even Mr. Queef's libido is mostly reduced to…

Doesn't matter how crazy I've ever skied before, what kind of drops, what kind of grades. I would have been up there saying "Pizza Slice! Pizza Slice!"

from ADA.gov:

YOU HEAR IT TRAVIS?! WE HAVE EAR BALLS, TRAVIS! EAR BALLS!!!

Never tracked

That must have been a bad-ass foosball table.

Just follow these simple rules:

Fixed.

I woke up in my Swiss bed, watched tv on my Chinese tv, and drove to work in my Japanese car. I needed this... i really did. Thank you for getting me back on track America for the day.

"communism" is for the proletariat. The bourgeoisie hide their true totalitarianism in other countries apparently.

It's also 100000% more real.

Because 'Murica is all like: "SEVENTEEN-SEVENTY-SIX, BYATCH!"

Must.....not.....click...make offer.