Abortion: It really brings out your inner child.

Forever uncleeeaaan!

She’s right, though. I sprung fully-grown from my father’s forehead at about age 25. #Athena

When I make my dead rats dance at work after taking their brains out, my undergrads just look at me funny. I wanna hire this girl.

I'm 42, and I've noticed I tend to be dressed like my 4 year old nephew way too much of the time.

Wow, some of these comments are extremely difficult to read, as a working woman who's currently trying to conceive. I mean, if some feminists are saying every pregnant woman they've worked with for the last 20 years have been terrible to deal with, that pregnant women have special snowflake syndrome and are accusing…

Mindy Kaling said something similar in her book. She was all excited for a magazine shoot with beautiful dresses and when she arrived every single dress was a size zero except for some ugly sack thing that they fully expected her to meekly accept as her punishment for daring to think she could have nice things too.

This is exactly my case. If I/Her/Both of us were totally in love, then post breakup friendship has never happened. If it's more of a casual, date for a few weeks, hook up a few times, I tend to stay close with those people. The line between friendship and love never became blurred, so it was easy to fall back to what…

Just when I was getting used to the fact that no one cared about my stupid boner.

That is my daughter's birthday. Would it be totally evil to change the clocks so she's having cake at 5 and in bed by 6?

~Roland Deschain (Stephen King)

"I would, but I have a degenerative disease where if I stick my hands in things, I just start shitting and vomiting all over the place—maybe I'll try, though."

"Mein gott, zeese American actresses are like underfed zoo animals. I feel as zo I finally know true terror."

LET GO OF IT. LET FUCKING GO OF IT OR I'LL EAT YOUR GODDAMN FINGERS LIKE FRENCH FRIES.

Horror story aside (yeesh), the compromise you propose is how my giant family has always done it — I figured most people were clicking "other" thinking of that. Kids at the ceremony is fine — ring bearers, flower girls, etc. If they start making a ruckus, take them out of the venue to calm down. Maybe kids get to eat…

No. This is academic research. Begging is baked into the system.

Here's the scientific explanation: A lot of extra heat is produced by the scrotum periodically smacking against the thighs; this heat is carried by blood vessels into the man's core in order to keep him warmer while hunting. Women should be warm enough already because of all the babies they have strapped to them.

This is always the best, imo.

This young man is following in the traditions of those who are guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy. And we shall invoke his name when we walk among the people of the street, "May the Schwartz be will you".