Once, my mom and dad told us they were giving us the house for the weekend while they were taking a cruise. I was 18 and I was going to have friends over. It was going to be a fantastic weekend!

I would like to buy your dad a beer.

My birthday is April Fool’s Day.

When I was going to be a freshman in college my mom randomly told the Best Buy sales associate (male, naturally) we were buying a computer from that I would be starting college as a virgin. “How often do you see that?” she asked. Probably never mom, or more specifically...no one else in the history of ever has thought…

My dad was a pretty serious LOTR nerd before it was cool, i.e. before the movies came out. He read all the appendices and books by Tolkien’s son annotating his father’s notes and books about the linguistics and collections of artwork about Middle Earth. Two of these artists were particularly considered to be experts,…

Three things:

This entitled housewife looks back at her impressionable child and calmly says “She is yelling because that girl deserves it, the service is terrible every time we come here.” And then she looked me straight in the eyes.

Male here.

I feel like Lambert’s Café needs to change its name to "Ow Bon Pain" after this incident.

Nailed it.

I promise you that electric blue is mostly MAC’s Deep Truth. I’m sure there are other things thrown in there but I recognize Deep Truth the way a mother fur seal recognizes the call of her lost pup from an entire island away. I’d be willing to be there’s some Plumage worked around the outer corner, but Deep Truth.…

I typed “Kristen Stewart sexuality” into the Google thing up there and it says her sexuality is “Network Connectivity Problems.”

If only had ten thousand more stars to give.

My husband did that once. ONCE. Happy to say that 13 years later it hasn’t happened again, and he’s even gone on to bitch out friends of his who’ve said it.

he simply wants to thank his wife for being a good mother

Cady’s anecdotal evidence*:

Waking up every morning.

I got an engagement stove. My fiance and I love to cook together and instead of a stupid ring that I might enjoy and he’d end up paying off sometime in the distant future, we invested in an incredible stove that we would both enjoy and use every single day. It’s got two convection ovens and ten burners, two of which…

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…