Ha! Thanks! Same to you. Come find me at the bar during the bouquet toss and we'll take shots together.

Thanks for the diagnosis, doc.

Right? I barely knew them but it just made me feel sad for her fiance.

(Applause)

I don't use Facebook for this very reason. It turned into a wedding-house-baby bonanza and I couldn't stand it any longer. Nobody aside from your mom and your gaggle of close friends gives a fuck about your ring that your boyfriend "surprised" you with after you forced him to propose. The last ring picture I saw on my…

I was really looking forward to making a similar joke and you beat me to it. Well done.

Are death certificates public record? I don't think it would have been out of the question to at least take a glance at something like a death certificate—assuming that sort of thing was public record. Te'o was uncooperative with photos or any other proof of her existence—who cares? Do some fucking legwork and find…

I do it every time, in this order:

Not to mention a local news blip of any kind. Even in major cities, a major car wreck is a story. Granted in a big city, it would be a paragraph or two (possibly with a photo), but it would still exist SOMEWHERE in the archives in local news station websites. This is all such bullshit.

That was my first thought, too. I was watching one of the sappy ESPN stories about him a few months ago and I remember thinking "this segment would be a lot better if they showed a bunch of cute photos of the couple" and yet I still bought the story without questioning its authenticity. You'd think the many people at…

Hawaiian/Samoan cultures, Catholic culture, football culture...

Just piling on because I really want you to hit 100 comments.

Marion would teach you by giving you sultry looks whenever you got it right. Or she'd throw you a Rosetta Stone CD and go about her business.

The Gaga/Sharon thing was an instant-eye-roll story the second it started. I'm a total Gaga fangirl and I can't even pick a side on this one—it's all so lame.

Oh, good. I was running low on nightmare fuel.

Gay girl perspective... you and I can start our own game. Sofia Vegera, J-Lo in that dress from the Golden Globes (she's not allowed to talk), and Marion Cotillard.

I'm not even attracted to men and this photo makes me swoon so hard. I'm about to get reeeeeaaal detailed on y'all with a few scenarios based on characters they've all played.

I found Lena Dunham's "you got me through junior high" comment to her fellow nominees to be a bit smarmy. Fuck off, Lena. I hope Julia Louis Dreyfus throws shade at her later on at an after party.

She isn't. Trust me. Girls has no place in the comedy conversation. I honestly can't fathom why it's marketed/categorized as a comedy.