One day, when I am remembering some football guys, I will remember Arian Foster. He was a good football guy.

Trump disparaging a former female Secretary of State?!?! I’m so shocked my cock just blew off, turned into a penis drill missle and burrowed itself deeply into my brain, killing me.

Sadly, you might not get the stars you deserve for this comment, but you get one from me.

I bet he didn’t see that happening again.

“I resemble that remark”

jesus that was brutally accurate

Can’t he borrow a fresh one from Antonio Alfonseca?

“Baseball is such a sissy sport. Let the kid break it off and keep it going!” - Ronnie Lott

The only reason Bauer got the call into the show was for having a split finger.

“I bet that’s not real blood.”

Sadly, this is the most America is ever going to care about a drone victim

Aaaaand he didn’t even make it through the first inning.

Hey, we’re having a circle-jerk here! Don’t interrupt it!

You realize the DNC has “ignore downticket races” as a core belief, yes?

Advance third parties in down-ticket races. Showing up once every four years to crow about the political process is not enough. If you’re (general you) not active in down-ticket races, then it’s time to ask yourself what your actual motives are in complaining.

This election isn’t just a dumpster fire, it’s a dumpster fire careening down a hill, causing traffic accidents and slamming right into the side of an orphanage.

I sometimes sympathize with the comedians asked to parody this election. How do you parody an election that’s already a parody of the Democratic process? How do you turn ridiculous a candidate that’s already surreal?

Meanwhile, Kellyanne was ready to chime in with how that sonofabitch Bill Clinton refused to return his seat back to the upright position during landing.

Looks like she was just plane wrong.