I had an Italian Greyhound who could sense when he was in trouble with me (not hard for a dog - and honestly not hard for just about any observant mammal) and he would take off (at a trot, thank goodness - if he ran, forget about it).

Good boy!

A couple at my condos were hanging at our pool with their daughter when wife says to husband “Did you hear that?”. Husband says “no”.

Also losing half of its staff: middle school boys who’ll no longer get the swimsuit issue.

“I love shaping earth,” Trump honks to camera, “it’s a canvas.”

“... and live in Russia while sober.”

Look at the Takeout commenter community taking the time to better educate ignorant laypersons like myself!

“sodium benzoate inhibits the growth of yeast, mold and nasty bacteria that could grow and thrive in acidic conditions."

This is one of the many fearmongering-friendly factoids you’ll read about sodium benzoate in “holistic medicine” resources,

Ain’t no Cousins apologizing for butt stuff down here.

“Mocktail?" If you can handle politics in 2019 sober you are a stronger person than me.

I would’ve also accepted “Canadian Butter Farts”. 

Choking and suffocating a person are completely different, like right Twix and left Twix.

If I want to know what a choke looks like ill damn well ask a member of the Browns organization.

“Because the car dealership is paying the kid $1 million instead of his actual value of $50,000" - everything is worth what someone will pay for it. If I bought a frozen patty for 50 cents a piece, and sold it as a gourmet burger for $16, if people are paying for it, it’s a $16 burger - not just a 50 cent patty. 

You guys just made me tear up a little. Thank you so much. I’ve only been here a month, but it’s already the best job I’ve ever had thanks to you guys. This is seriously the best place on the internet that isn’t porn. 

Endorsements help educate consumers, and sham endorsements short circuit that process. For example, I was once a State Farm customer, because family is important to me and it came through how important family was to the Paul twins (Chris and Cliff). But I switched to Nationwide because I value creativity, and the…

During the “hard to come by” cracker segment my cousin ran to the kitchen and returned screaming “WE HAVE THOSE!!!” then proceeded to smack his brother upside the head with the box. Fun times. 

This might be a really unpopular take but why is it white women cops who shoot unarmed black men are put on trial (this girl and Becky Betty Shelby) while male white cops seem to almost never be charged for the same? Seems like there might be some misogyny involved.

Probably the single best vignette WWE has ever done.