My great grand pappy lived to be four hundred and twelve! Of course all 18 of his brothers and sisters died from milk poisoning before they were 10. So I guess if you average the ages out it's all good.

Damn, you're totally right!

3) oyster = slimy snot buried inside a rock. WHY BOTHER.

Considering the overlap between the unpasteurized milk people and the lunatic anti-vaxxer crowd

What I don't see on the list: donuts, ramen, hot dogs, mac and cheese. Cool, I'm good then. Carry on.

Well, he apparently remembered to put on makeup using the Tammy Baker method: With the blast of rouge powder from a cannon.

But the movies told me something completely different.

I was Philip D. Bag, a costumed character that taught children the importance of recycling paper. I found this gig on Craigslist. That's me in the picture.

Shock treatment and lobotomies should do the trick.

These are probably the kind of people who believe that vaccinating their kids makes them autistic. Whatever floats your goat folks...

I get why people hate salads, but I love them. I don't pretend mine are healthy — fuck that noise — I just like using romaine lettuce as a vehicle for the sauce and toppings and shit (this is why FUCK field greens).

And he too had better fitness than U.S. Men's National Team.

Put a black light in my room and you'll see I've been banging that thing for years anyways.

"I'm trying to put in my earpiece now, so you guys can hear me..."

You obviously don't watch The Soup. Greg Kelly's antics are in The Soup Hall of Fame and this was so benign compared to some other stuff he's said/done on air it's a little ridiculous that something so tame was chosen for Deadspin exposure.

You know those charges were dropped because the accuser was a liar, right?

Now, I'm in no way a LeBron supporter (can't stand the guy), but you have the chance to compare a news anchor [accused of rape] to a great basketball player [accused of rape] and you don't pick Kobe??

TYPICAL LIBERAL MEDIA BEING THE PC POLICE!!!! She should be flattered.

Ah, I was waiting for the requisite nutjob to appear and tell us about how homeopathy and herbs can cure cancer and how green juice made from an ancient brazilian berry is somehow the cure to all of our medical woes. Thank you, I think we've met our quota of life-threatening ignorance today. Much appreciated.

How long are the wait times on the phone, doctor, emergency rooms, etc?