I was trying to find a gif to express my exasperation and LOOK AT THIS TINY VAL KILMER OF YESTERYEAR

Wow if you did not hit her with the grocery sack full of perfectly shaped river rocks, you are a better person than I.

Hat-Themed wedding.

I'm not married, and I've never been to a total horrorshow wedding, but at my parents' wedding, my mom watched a woman in a polyester jumpsuit (apparently the date of a friend) stuff an entire wheel of cheese from the buffet table into her purse and walk out.

So my friend gets engaged. She is amazing— sweet, smart as hell, filthy sense of humor, eyes like luminous pools. She is mixed race and her fiance's family is super country. At the rehearsal dinner, they make lots of comments about her mixed race and stick the microphone in her face with questions like "Tell us why…

I have so many questions, Ziggy.

The 5 day wedding "weekend" in which the bride handed me a grocery sack and ordered me to collect 250 perfectly shaped river rocks.

I realize I'm not any cooler for criticizing this, but MARQUEE? Is it literally just 2003 all the time in Paris-world?

I read this and thought about how terrible this kind of conspicuous consumerism is, and how that much money could have been better spent helping people, and then I realized I do the exact same thing with my consumerism, albeit on a lesser scale. We all do. Every dollar not spent on basic necessities and saving…

YEAH, BUT IS THERE MSG IN IT BECAUSE I DON'T EAT THAT

Does he put a pasty over his sphincter or does the butt just get 0 coverage?

Jesus. Who pissed in your Cheerios?

A reporter dared ask Vulvatron, the new frontwoman of GWAR, whom she slept with to get into the band. Her response was simply lovely:

I was going to say Hemingway. She would have sounded exactly like him if she'd talked more about drinks and ended up fucking Miguela.

This is a bullshit Strawman argument—everybody knows that it's totally okay for dogs to marry other dogs. What's more, it's well-established law that the state cannot place breed restrictions on dog marriages. (Labradoodle v. Texas)

OMG WHAT IS TO STOP KAGAN FROM MARRYING 2 DOGS NOW?!!!1

Watch out, Notorious RBG. Kagan is coming for your Awesomest Lady Justice We All Wish We Had For An Aunt Or Something crown.

This weekend, Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan officiated in the same sex nuptials between a former law clerk and his husband. Immediately after the ceremony, Kagan hopped on the phone and ordered your parents to get a divorce. You know how marriage is — one in, one out.