Pssshhh. As per usual, a boy band member did it years ago and better!

I am Groot!

Several years back I was homeless in San Francisco. I could often find friends to stay with, but not every night. The night of this tale I was trying to sleep in the park, and to help me sleep and forget about my shitty predicament I had bought a big jug of Carlo Rossi. Around midnight I'm good and sloshed, but still…

Birds, mostly poultry, hate me. I have been attacked on sight on more then one occasion.

Thank you! I am a Western Muslim woman (that doesn't cover), but one of the things people rarely account for is that for many Muslim women, hijab can be liberating. Most Muslim women have been fetishized and sexualized by the West the same way white women have been sexually repressed in Western cultures, so…

My son was conceived when I was working in Sichuan. When he's older, I really hope he gets a "Made in China" tattoo.

A guy I love has an awful (but small) stick and poke tattoo on his arm that he and his buddies all gave each one drunken night 10 years before he and I ever met.

Interestingly enough, my first boyfriend was completely prohibited from having any junk food as a kid: no processed cheese, no canned soup, no cookies, no lemonade, etc. I have never seen someone so excited to have a grilled cheese sandwich with Campbell's tomato soup for lunch.

My fiance has a stegosaurus...wearing a fedora...beneath a flaming asteroid. On his shoulder. Done by an "apprentice"—but, COOL POINTS, the apprentice worked at the shop that a future Ink Master contestant worked at!

I'm thinking about a tattoo, a really small one behind my ear that says "Behindertsein ist schön" (German for "Disabled is beautiful," one of the slogans of the German disability rights movement). I've never gotten a tattoo before; any ideas on how much I can expect to pay? I don't want to end up paying too much for…

My brother got this recently. I blacked out my niece and nephew's names to protect them from this humiliation. Yes, that is an angry baseball eating our last name.

My downstairs neighbor had a tattoo of a squirrel running up the inside of one leg and down the inside of another. The squirrel running down his leg had its cheeks full of "nuts." When I asked him about it he said he had a vasectomy and thought it was funny.

My hairdresser''s boyfriend had two flaming dice done on his…

I worked in a dodgy clothes shop when I was 18. We sold sparkly thongs that had cheap sequins on them so you could potentially saw your own vulva off if you walked at too fast a pace. Anyway, the boss got hella drunk at the Christmas party and slid her neon green shorts down to show us a stunningly crafted "100% IRISH…

Not mine (praise be to His noodly appendages, I have no regrettable tattoos - yet). It's not technically even a bad tattoo, just...incongruous. One of my neighborhood friend's mom, a very smart, nice, quiet, vanilla lady who has to call me whenever their cat kills something so I can come remove it, has a fucking scorpi…

My awesome friend Funky has some really, interesting/awful tattoos. The Pacman eating his nipple, Meow on his bellybutton, the "I <3 tities" but a missing t and then a t pointing to where it's supposed to be, lol. He also has a pile of poop somehwere too. He's been on a TV show for his tattoos before. He absolutely…

PS It's since been covered up...by a kokeshi doll that looks like it's wearing a Canadian maple leaf jersey.

I waited till I was 50 to get a tattoo. I knew no matter what it was I wouldn't live long enough to regret it! And I never have. I now have three. My next tattoo will be my husband's name. After 35 years, I think it's safe to do!!! But you kids, don't ever tattoo a name on your ass. OK?

I have a tattoo in Arabic on my left hip. One day I was at the beach and this rando interurupts me reading...