I’m thinking very quiet, very skilled House Elves (probably undocumented). And, yes, def while she is asleep;)

Sure it is! As in “The blind people do the trusting.”

Ed Sheeran was trying to pretend he is an orange tubby.

How can anything involving Chris Martin be romantic, though?

IT KNOWS WHAT IT DID

A phrase he hasn’t heard since 1983?

The grift that keeps on grifting.

Aren’t we just going to shoot his corpse into the sun after the Civil Tech Warz of 2019–2020?

KJU texting on his personal, imported toilet rolling in his private bulletproof train car after the summit while surrounded by his sprinting bodyguards: “That dude was crazy, right?”

Somebody tell me again how it’s The Gays that will ruin the sanctity of marriage?

How I met you and your husband numerous times but don’t remember.

Canada, if you’re listening, please hack our elections and install someone relatively sane into office.

I moved on her, actually. [...] I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. [...] I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” I took her out furniture —

Thank you. You’re so thoughtful. Honestly, I’ve had a rough time this week, especially yesterday. I have loved Bourdain since I read his book in the early aughts. I looked at him as someone who had beaten his addiction and overcome his demons.

I’ll bet he’s flirting with the idea publicly SPECIFICALLY just to piss off and humiliate Sessions.

“Won’t be talking about the Russian Witch Hunt Hoax for a while!”

I hope a Dingo eats matt lauer.

It never ceases to amaze me how arguably the most powerful world leader still begs for approval and recognition on twitter like some whiny teenager

Which tweet reads as though the speaker learned English as a second language?

Lindsey Graham is weird. He says stuff occasionally that makes him seem like he’s not a total monster (remember him playing pool with Steven Colbert right after he dropped out of the race for president?), then next thing you know he’s back to voting like a shitbird again. He’s a funny guy, but not funny enough to…