I've always viewed archaeologic sites and relics as the closest things we have to a time machine, and they're BREAKING it. Forever.

Do you have any recipes that will knock me the fuck out and wake me back up when it's summer and preferably with a smokin hot bod? Please, no Gin.

I feel like I should make this one because my backyard is full of both spruce and moose. I can't drink it though, so I'll just leave a glass out back for the moose as a sign of peace. The rosemary should pair nicely with all those sticks they're always eating.

I didn't even read this yet, but I had to say this is the most amazing Jezebel post ever. The illustrations! Animations! I'm going to go back to staring at them now.

He's happy. Who did he eat?

Cows, goats, and sheep love barn kittens as well.

I firmly believe that is the point of terrible parenting stories. It's to give the rest of us the opportunity to reflect on how fucking awesome we are. I can officially state that I have never (1) driven while drunk or (2) brought my child along while attending an orgy (not even a small one).

I am feeling so fucking good about my parenting choices right now and I say that as someone who accidentally kicked my sick child in the head yesterday (dark hallway, kid unexpectedly on floor just inside doorway, bygones). Thank you Heather Young. Thank you!

Now that's commitment to the duck face.

Also I haven't read this one yet BUT apparently he's a son of society who's turned his back on it all and is now a trucker. So obviously that's my plan for the weekend.

I own a lot of romance novels, and Fabio is on maybe 3 of them. But what I really, really didn't like about the original article (on Femsplain) was this:

Yeeeee-ouch man. At that age, she could break a hip.

2 out of the 3 times I've lied about being pregnant it really backfired. Bad odds.

You know you haven't schemed well when your plan B ends up being telling the cops you threw a newborn baby in a dumpster.

Well. Elizabeth Bennett also denied her relationship with Mr. Darcy to Lady Catherine de Bourg. So there.

When I was in second grade, I got in trouble for writing an essay declaring that I wanted to be a bond girl when I grew up. I thought it was a fabulous career choice because they wore pretty clothes , drove nice cars and got to smooch Bond. Unfortunately, the nuns and faculty at my Catholic school didn't agree and…

Around age 7 I was obsessed with Transformers. When my parents bought a Suburban I was convinced it was Optimus. I would lie down in the third row and talk to him. We were going to get married.

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It's because it's so hot down South, they're always searching for the shade.