HAXX0RD MY WAY BACK IN

Awww. Thank you.

PANTS OPTIONAL DRINKING IS BY FAR THE BEST KIND OF DRINKING.

I am right there with you.

He lost 20 pounds.

We got to meet him about four years ago and he was the coolest. My husband Scott introduced himself and two seconds later when we took a photo with him he was like "Hey Scotty!" And my husband, who likes his music but is not hardcore like me (yeah I said it) said sheepishly "Bryan Adams called me Scotty!" Nice dude.

This gives me an excuse to (not so) secretly love "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You."

You think Ryan Adams seems nice? He has a reputation for being one of the biggest assholes in rock. Bryan Adams, on the other hand, is a gentleman and a scholar.

Yup. Herd immunity is like a nice, snuggly security blanket that covers those whose vaccines have worn off in the period before they realise they have worn off, those whose vaccines never took in the period before they know they never took, those who are too young to vaccinate and those who have immune system issues…

I love that they can't go to disneyland. Maybe we can ban them from other public places ?

Might I suggest doing nothing but trance covers of Pussy Riot songs?

Patrick Juice is my new porn name.

There are people who think masturbation in a relationship constitutes cheating. Most of us refer to those people as "complete fucking lunatics."

I don't understand this one. It's just a John Boehner selfie on Instagram. How is that shade?

You'll be fine so long as it's your first time crying. Also, spray some Lysol in your eyes, to be safe.

That baby's all smarm. She's got a plan to sell substandard crap to us all, and I'm on to it.

Holy Cervix, Batman!

Sometimes I see pictures of adorable babies like this and I think "aw, maybe I should have another one" and then I flash back to pregnancy/ childbirth/ the first few months of colic hell/ 5 minutes ago when I had to tell my 3 year old to stop wiping boogers on the fresh laundry and I'm like

Possibly unpopular opinion: bald babies are cuter.