Its amazing how men always know exactly how they would react and exactly what they would do if they were ever forcibly raped by a man (let alone a very famous man) when its something they have no reason to ever worry about.

It’s like there’s a party in his mouth, and everybody’s invited!

It’s been like this ever since he started drinking that brain and nerve tonic that Artie Burns gave him.

Something something something...

He actually resigned several weeks ago, but he didn’t think he had to report it to the school.

I’ll see myself out.

You know who didn’t see this coming? Matt Murdock.

I’ll see myself out.

I’m three stories in, and we’ve got one guy who quit because he got caught trying to steal from his business, one guy who quit because he didn’t want to fix his mistake, and one guy who quit because he wasn’t following the dress code. Should I read on, or are they all entitled assholes?

*Starts reading*

True story - what’s even sadder for that beer vendor is that his job doesn’t even provide enough to allow him to go back to his home in Kansas to visit his father. His dad had to use some of his retirement savings to travel to Landover just to be able to see his boy.

Bojack Horseman should be culturally where Rick&Morty is right now.

You got a pet. You got a responsibility. If your dog is lost, you don’t look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!

‘80s jocks were right - nerds are bad fucking news.

Sidewalks for regular walkin’, not for fancy walkin’.

The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt did a story line where NFL teams all changed their names to controversial topics to goose merchandise sales by people burning jerseys to protest.

My favorite was “The Seattle Oatmeal Raisin Cookies You Thought Were Chocolate Chip”

THIS! Raisins are bullshit because they hide as chocolate in cookies, muffins and bagels. If I know it’s a raisin, it’s okay. But if it’s a surprise raisin?! I’ve legit thrown a whole bagel minus one bite in the trash. I’m a monster and I don’t care.

I love raisins, they’re sweet, they’re healthy, they stick together so I can eat an entire box in one bite, and you get to pretend like you’re mercy killing elderly grapes! In so many ways they are a perfect little snack, but if I take a bite out of what I think is a chocolate chip cookie and realize that it’s…

He’s already talked about revoking citizenship for people who won’t respect the flag, and his advisors have said citizenship should be revoked for Muslim-Americans. I think we should be afraid.

Step by step. Inch by inch. First, it’s “illegals.” Then, it’s “shouldn’t be citizens.” Next, it’ll be “don’t deserve citizenship.” Before long, everyone’s right to live here will be at the government’s whim. Don’t salute the flag and sing the anthem? Criticize the president? Out you go.

Hi, W.H. I have a thought about who “Peggy Deadlegs” might be referencing: The popular leggy “It Girl” Peggy Shannon, who parlayed her Ziegfeld Follies Chorus Girl dancing into a movie career (she was being groomed to replace Clare Bow)...but which ended in her famously drinking herself into a heart attack at 34,…