Self-driving cars with GPS & thus no traffic jams will be 75% of the best flying car we can think of. Nobody will give a fuck about the commutes because they can sleep in the car.

If we brought Shakespeare back in a time machine, he still couldn’t write the novella-length epics of pants-shitting stories that these losers write in to tell him about on a weekly basis.

“I love cooking, but there is no universe in which I will ever have the free time to spend all day upscaling a low-rent pulled pork sandwich.”

the excitement in peter’s eyes over the prelude to eating is palpable... one of the last remaining signs that he’s human, but even still, somehow horrifically so.

Tony Stu needs luv right now more than ever. Poor bastard.

The oceans boiling us alive would be a cannibal’s dream. they’d seek the high ground & just get some shark cages, fish us out of the water like fresh lobster tails. Cannibal Death Row Last Meal

Should I feel shame for thinking the robot dog licking my dirty bum sounds like the most relaxing post-shit ritual ever, despite the fact that I’d never ever want my or anyone else’s actual dog to do this?

Every time I mention GPS in guns, people act as if that’s not an app they’d download to their phone. At the very least, Drew’d be able to have confident road rages.

This is going rough. Would any of you fine ladies & gentlemen be interested in hearing more about this? If the answer is “no” due to the subtext of my twitter history, I ask: would you be interested if a sports-crazy movie star had tweeted it?

Football doesn’t care about being on the wrong side of history because we’re all already there with them just for supporting the sport.

I just want to see a wide receiver check with the ref on where the line of scrimmage is as he’s standing 3-5 yards ahead of it & knows damn well he can’t do that. But I bet he could get away with a full yard if the ref’s a really bad one.

She’s actually lucky *chanting* Zika is all they did with it. I wouldn’t wanna be around those streakers.

I like this song & I bet Tom was also the one who posted the Fever Ray song on deadspin up all night a few years ago.

If I have an idea for something that could just as easily be a book as it could be a screenplay, graphic novel, support group, TV series, etc. & I have 200+ (and counting) pages of unedited material to feed it, who might be the Top-5 and/or Bottom 5 powerful figureheads that I could trust to present the idea to?

I believe ESPN is a mutation of that John Travolta cult.

Tallboy Wannabe sounds like he’s been waging psychological warfare against Justice by trying to see if he’ll ever get competitive or prideful about who the REAL tallman is—at which point Wannabe can act like Justice freaked out about being tall, painting him as the villain. I’ve seen it a thousand or two times. Office…

Drew’s idea of a “WASP”y way to make one’s bed basically boils down to owning pillows that haven’t been drooled upon. You’re alright in my book, Magary.

Does PeeWee Herman’s public masturbation arrest count if I was sitting behind him at the theater?

I think we’re severely underestimating the straTEEgery at play with Massachusetts & other states with super-smart Universities like MIT. Math is such a cornerstone to everything, they probably have already done homework problems by the end of the 1st semester that directly involves military invasions of xx-square…

Oklahoma City overachieved this past season & wouldn’t have been any more certain of getting to the conference finals than San Antonio or a healthy Clippers. Ibaka was a weak 3rd banana, but still probably a better 3rd than either Adams or Oladipo figure to be this season. If OKC struggled with the new faces early on…