Fun fact: “The Touching is, To Me, Off Limits,” was the original title of MC Hammer’s 1990 breakthrough single. 

“Yu can’t handle The Truth!” — Mark Wahlberg, wearing a Pierce jersey and beating up an Asian guy

“I’m going to get right to the point. It has come to my attention that you were going into the women’s locker room while they were changing to microwave a Hot Pocket. Is that correct?” 

We need to start a fund raiser to have members of congress invite the Central Park 5 to the SOTU address.

Super Bowl XOXO

When you hear about artistic exploitation for 16 years... 16 years? That sounds like a choice.

As someone who has looked Roy Halladay dead in the eyes via my young brothers Sports Illustrated For Kids posters I’m 100% confident he wanted to be inducted into the HoF as a member of the Phoenix Coyotes.

Republicans watch high school basketball too.

“...rented a $3,500 a month apartment, then lived there for 6 months rent-free...”

You really have to think about your #1 priorities when you want to make it a we thing.

I love Dale. Can’t remember a time I disagreed with him. I do wonder if part of the reason the system is broken is the way the NFL typically recycles coaches. There is a racial aspect to it, but there are so many second and third and forth chances for NFL coaches on top of nepotism so I think its a larger issue than…

Everything was going fine with the system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here...

[shaking head, turns off the podcast in disgust]

Raymond’s video meetings are worthless, and include nothing more than Raymond describing the action in the video

You forgot Bobby Bonilla 

So one day, this old lady calls me—by the way, I met her later, very good looking for her age, not a pound overweight, very beautiful—she tells me the portions are too small. And I tell her, “That’s a terrible shame. That’s really a shame. I know Dave Thomas. I play racquetball with him all the time. He cheats all the…

Mueller is the Hawk. Trump is the pigeon. The Trashcan is America.

I hope a bucket of paint falls off a ladder and lands upside-down on your head and gets stuck there and you stumble around with a paint-bucket on your head and crash into a ladder and fall down a manhole.

Hungover Pats fans everywhere respond to Magary shouting expletives:

This is the awning of the age of hilarious.